College Essay

Hello there, as you may know (some of you) that I am heading off to college soon which indicates that I must endure the extensive application progress of filling out papers, sending financial affidavits, and as well as writing personal essay. Notably the personal essays, I am in great need of improving these mediocre essay I always make. Here is an essay I made at least a month ago (with the help of procrastination I haven't did yet):

In approximately 250 words, tell us about the most personally significant contribution you have made to a community through your participation in one of the activities you listed under ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP on this application. This personal statement is required. Since you are applying online, you must submit your statement with this application in the space provided.

My guidance councilor once said that “community service will help you achieve your developmental goals”. During my sophomore year I was lethargic and uninterested from all things related to school. In Bermudian high schools, it is mandatory for students to complete a certain amount of community service hours – this would only make me feel more uninterested acknowledging that it’s “free labor”. Nevertheless I applied as a caregiver in the hospital after school. Through this, I would soon experience a revolutionary change that would hit me because of one small task.
It took several restless seniors for me to fully comprehend the pleasures of life’s rough track. During my volunteer work I gradually grew out of my old customs primarily because I began to realize that I am helping the veterans of life’s melancholies of stress, anxiety, and global occurrences. Ironically, before that process my state of mind tenaciously repressed me from even going to the hospital. In conclusion, I began to see that providing care to the elderly was more than feeding; or replacing tissue boxes in their room; or enduring berating comments at times, it was an act of endowment for their duties in life. Hence, from then, on I knew that providing care for the elderly was for a good cause.
Thus, through something as small as helping the elderly would change my perspectives.

Notice my last paragraph is in complete. I can't seem to find what to put there. I've always made mistake in my conclusions paragraph since I always tend to restate things. Is that a bad thing? Or is that the right way to approach a conclusion paragraph? Please revise and tell me what you think about itttttt D:

HELP Sad

The way I see it, you've approached it from the perspective of:

Well, at first I couldn't give a crap about being a volunteer but since my school forced me into it. I chose the path of least resistance and got to hang around at a nursing home. The nurses did all the hard work, all I did was tolerate the old bastards until they couldn't stand me anymore. Hence I knew thus, (sigh) feeding old people was good... at pissing me off and giving me a taste of the "rough track" that I'm trying as hard as I can to get away from.

That's how it read to me, I'll be frank... It's terrible. But, I can help you make it great which is what you want.

The first thing you need to do is take away all the negativity! All of it. I insist you start again from scratch.

It might be the truth that you hated the idea of volunteerism and old people, but in this case you need to lie you ass off. You've got a great start already... The universities don't know that you MUST do some volunteer work, so you need to make it sound like you did it of your own volition... Say that you're interested in studying gerontology and volunteering gave you the opportunity to help people while learning about various medicines and the needs of the elderly. Relate it to how you care for your own grandparents and such while voting Obama and joining pride marches for minorities.

The word of the day is, embellish. Not hence and thus.
M.

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"I wouldn't say abrasive. I'd rather say you're a cool soothing groove with a hint of jazz..."

-Alpheez

Here's my advice for the personal statement essay: don't bullshit it. Seriously. Really make sure you write about something you actually care about, even if it seems like everyone else would find it weird or stupid. Your essay will be better for it, and the people who spend all day reading shitty essays on the same old shit really, really, really want to read something unique.

But then again, this is easier said than done, since the question I got was much more open-ended than yours. For what it's worth, though, I wrote my essay about Super Mario 64, and I'm now finishing up my first semester at the 12th best school in the U.S.

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"No, I don't mind being the smartest man in the world. I just wish it wasn't this one." -Ozymandias, "Watchmen"

I will keep in mind both of your responses. I will begin writing several of my personal essays tonight on top of my other homework :\. I guess I should watch out for the way I write next time.

Let me ask you this Dr. E. Worm, what university might that be?

That introduction you wrote today was actually quite well written and considered. I think you should just put yourself into the 'forum' mindset when you start writing any official essays and then just polish it up afterward. Just don't over-think it znd don't downplay the importance of BS, it's the mortar that holds a compelling story together.

Mario 64... How ironic.
M.

_________________
"I wouldn't say abrasive. I'd rather say you're a cool soothing groove with a hint of jazz..."

-Alpheez

Washington University in St. Louis. I believe we're currently tied for 12th with Northwestern. Not that I really care much about those kinds of things, I was just using that little factoid to help make a point.

And I'm not quite sure what's ironic about Mario 64, unless you're using the Alanis Morissette definition of "ironic," in which case I still don't get it.

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"No, I don't mind being the smartest man in the world. I just wish it wasn't this one." -Ozymandias, "Watchmen"

I just think it's amusing that your best advice is to write an essay that's free of BS and then you choose a topic on a digital plumber that shoots fireballs and saves princesses from turtles.

What was your thesis? I'm dying to know!
M.

_________________
"I wouldn't say abrasive. I'd rather say you're a cool soothing groove with a hint of jazz..."

-Alpheez