Posted by: gumOnShoe 2008-03-06 19:05:59 It felt like a summary Concept: 15 Dialogue: 7 Presentation: 7 Plot: 8 Perhaps it was your diction or sentance structure, but I felt like very little of this story grabbed me. I think the reason for that was that I was being told everything. You see, when you are telling a story there is a large difference between telling someone a story and showing someone a story.
Most times, people prefer to be shown stories. You can start off by telling, but then you had better switch to some imagery at some point. I felt you had a bit of "floating head syndrome." I knew of you character's existance, but not of what they looked like. Certainly, the world is dark and hence you don't have a lot of visual going on for you, but then you need to pick up on some other senses.
When you create another world, you are only aloud to set so many rules and then the rest of the rules had better be from our world. Is there a taste to the air? Is it cold or warm? How can you see this other person if it is dark?
I think what you have is a summary of a larger story. A few key points on a greater timeline that can't really stand up on their own.
It is a very interesting concept. I will give it that. But, we see none of the dimensia that I believe a character trapped in darkness would go through. And then, when you get to the interesting part, where the main character might actually DO something, we are given a brief overview of the future.
It is this way, this is what happened, and now I'm doing this.
It is a disservice to your characters and your world to just give up on them and not describe them fully and in as much detail as possible.
Good idea, needs better execution. |
